One of those weeks

I am not sure what it has been about this week in particular, but it has been a tough one.  It may be the weather changing back and forth from warm to cold or my schedule just has me exhausted so my emotions are a bit tender.  There have also been a few conversations with the neighborhood kids about Kai.  They firmly believe he is in heaven with one of the dogs in the neighborhood that recently died.  These discussions with 12 year olds are bittersweet.  I hope they are right when they say we will all see Kai and Gizzy, his neighborhood friend, again and that Gizzy is no longer afraid when Kai barks at her.  He loved to bark!

The picture above is from February 2004.  Kai got some new shoes to protect his paws from the bitter cold outside that winter.  He never did get fully used to them and walked with a very high step anytime he had the shoes on.  He took it in stride and enjoyed the giggles he received as he walked.

Looking back

It has been a sad few weeks.  Our sorrow for Kai continues – added to this several animal friends of ours have died.  Hearing of the losses of such beloved pets brings forth all the pain I experienced in losing Kai.  I am so sad for the families that no longer have their dog or cat.  I am thinking of you and praying.

In looking back over things, I can honestly say I made the right decision in not going back to school this past August.  Nothing could have prepared us or indicated to us that Kai was going to be so sick, but in hindsight something really pushed me not to go back to school.  I can only imagine how things may have been had I gone back.  The stresses of classes which could not be missed, the financial burden and having to leave our precious boy alone on the days when he felt so sick are things I did not have to worry about.  I may not have been there when he needed me and he may have died alone.  I am thankful I was there.

Thinking now of the vet tech classes and then ultimately working in a veterinary clinic, leaves me with feelings of despair.  I do not think each day I could go to work knowing a sick animal may come in and possibly die on my watch.  Add to this the thought that in some way an error on my part may cause an animal unneeded pain or injury, I am just not capable at this point in my life in handling those stressors nor do I have the desire to be around that misery.  I understand each day is not filled with sadness.  There are joyful times, but it just isn’t for me.

Time moves on

Time does move on, but I still think about Kai constantly.  People always say that things will get better.  Certainly, I am not crying every minute of every day, but the pain in our hearts is still there.  Things aren’t better, we just are forced to think about other things.  I guess I just don’t like the saying “things will get better.”  Better would be my dog back in our lives for another 8 years with his health.

Kai seemed to be the heart of the pack.  Anna, our Siberian Husky and Elli, our female German Shepherd just seem so much more subdued.  The house is quieter.  Our ever alert boy is no longer here to get the masses riled up to protect our house from squirrels, dogs and bunnies.  He is no longer grabbing a toy to play with and bringing in the other dogs for a bit of a chase and tug of war.  It is strange that our cat, Jester, is the loudest animal in the house now.

We have had a few beautiful days with temperatures in the 60s.  The snowy icy mess outside is disappearing.  Spring will be here soon and while I am relieved, there is a sadness to it all as Kai loved to be outside sitting in the sun.  Each day I am outside walking with Elli or Anna I think to myself, “Kai would love today.”

The picture above is of Kai in April 2002 when he joined our family.  He was learning to use the stairs for the first time and needed to be coaxed a bit.

Every day is a challenge

It has been almost 12 weeks.  Three months.  I can’t even believe it.  There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about Kai.  I think initially there was the disbelief that at 8 years old he would be taken from us.  Now there is just the anguish that I will never see him again.  It may be hard for those that don’t have pets to understand how deep a loss like this is.  Imagine that a devoted friend that has been at your side for 8 1/2 years through all the happiness and disappointments is now gone. 

It is hard to forget his final moments.  Maybe some day I will tell you about them.

His birthday was on January 30th.

Goodbye my sweet boy!

Not going to type out a long post today because it is just too painful.  Kai passed away on Tuesday, November 16th.  He was at home with me so there is some comfort in him not dying alone.  He will be severely missed and I hope that someday I will have the privilege of seeing him again.

There will be more on this blog in time, but for now our family is grieving the loss of such a sweet and tender dog.